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Pale light sketch

2025-07-16

3 minute read

I'm feeling a little flat. I was listening to a podcast yesterday - Sauntercast - and the host mentioned the idea of seasons in life. Seasons of plenty, seasons of little, seasons of work and seasons of rest.

I think I've been suffering under the delusion that this whole year ought to be a non-stop action packed blast of excitement. Not suffering from the delusion directly I guess, but from the felt difference between that and what it actually is - a very normal distribution of feelings and events, mostly actually very good ones.

Anyway, this feels like a flat season. I'm a little lost, not entirely sure what I'm doing or what I want. My portuguese learning has plateued and I'm spending most of my time speaking english. I've been sick the last few days and spent a lot of time inside. Days fly by.

This is okay. Time will pass, and things will pick up. My internal tide goes in and out.

This flatness persists despite some very good stuff I've been doing lately:

I am afraid of never doing anything long enough to know it deeply, of spreading myself too thin across too much, and never achieving anything good or meaningful. I am articulating this fear to understand it, and see it from a more useful angle.

understanding GTD

By that I mean, taking notes as I read that help me properly comprehend the concepts. I'm using the mind map technique I mentioned in this entry, a central topic surrounded by notes, details and questions.

It's good. I've stopped using the bullet journal, which is not so good as some of it was actually useful. Mostly the calendars, and only for reminiscing.

I changed the template for this journal

It now loads with 3 headings

  1. How am I feeling
  2. What did I do recently that's interesting
  3. What have I observed

I haven't filled out the "observed" one yet, but the first two have been good prompts.

Observed

I finished watching "Raised by Wolves". It's got a bit washed out near the end of the season - I'll watch the second season eventually but won't rush. Still love the soundtrack for the opening credits.

Started watching the second season of Sandman, kept watching X-Files. Season 6 is not very good so far, I even skipped an episode, which I hardly ever do.

what else

I have pending thoughts that I'd like to resolve:

  1. Regarding visual art, specifically painting - Why do I like what I like, or what is it that I like? If I could articulate it for even a couple of works, even one, I'd be a big step forward.
  2. What am I doing to meaningfully connect to agriculture, to the soil? What's the direction forward? I have a monthlong WWOOFing stint in the alentejo at a farm doing rotational grazing - ~150 sheep and goats. It's a start, but what could I do to prepare? And what's next?
  3. Professionally, whats next? What do I want, what do I have, and where can I go? This question is gaining increasing urgency

a poem, one by me, one by Fernando Pessoa

WIP - Dermochelys coriacea by Louis Graham

  1. horrible leathery beast
  2. summoned from hell
  3. the ocean spits out the poison pit

This next one feels related to my current flat mood

Cansa ser, sentir dói, pensar destrui. by Fernando Pessoa

  1. Cansa ser, sentir dói, pensar destrui.
  2. Alheia a nós, em nós e fora,
  3. Rui a hora, e tudo nela rui.
  4. Inutilmente a alma o chora.
  5. De que serve? O que é que tem que servir?
  6. Pálido esboço leve
  7. Do sol de Inverno sobre meu leito a sorrir...
  8. Vago sussurro breve.
  9. Das pequenas vozes com que a manhã acorda,
  10. Da fútil promessa do dia,
  11. Morta ao nascer, na esperança longínqua e absurda
  12. Em que a alma se fia.

listening to

BAILE INolVIDABLE by Bad Bunny

questions