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are you having a laugh

2024-07-25

3 minute read

I think I'm getting sick again. I'm woefully addicted to instagram. I can't seem to focus at all. Bloom, the project to write an L System interpreter, is elluding my attempts to finish it. It grows ever so slightly in complexity each time I sit with it. I'm incapable of going to bed on time. I hurt my back doing deadlifts at the gym.

I'm having a good time in general.

I wrote all that then went to bed. Not much has changed, save a wave of low self esteem this evening and confirmation that I am indeed sick. I've googled "why am I getting sick all the time" and there's a few good and obvious reasons.

things I still struggle immensely with. I've got a Mental Health Treatment Plan so hope fully I'll be able to sort one or both of those out soon.

I shared my embarassing poem with the Paths Towards Form group the other day. It worked a little better in english, and I got some good feedback. It's striking a few tones that are at odd with eachother. I think it's a good idea to write and ideate, then figure out what it is you're doing, and then edit it.

The original idea was about how trees grow, but the interesting part of the poem is about the process of aging and changing, of relating to oneself as an other.

aging and changing

I've deleted my spotify account. A small step towards living my values. There are all kinds of changes I've thought about, but I'm really not that ethical. I'm trying to make small changes slowly, so as to make any progress. Otherwise I become paralysed. The changes I want to make are:

I think being a little more solid on my own logic behind these decisions, reading some books and writing things down might help me to make progress on these.

Next steps are:

Not having a spotify is good, it's got me thinking about how to engage with music. I'm paying for apple music, so I'm still chained to the streaming train, but cutting spotify has been a huge help for think about how I want to engage with music.

I've also wasted an hour looking into alternative music apps, sometimes thinking about stuff can go too far.

think about music

We had band practice the other day, I hurt my finger a little on the bass strings with all the friction. I embarassingly don't have the stamina for these songs yet. I left the free bass I got with the practice space to see if they could fix it for me. Am waiting to hear back.

I had a drum lesson on tuesday. It was brilliant - B (the teacher) showed me a bunch of "rudiments". Despite being able to use the word "rudimentary" with no trouble, I didn't actually know what "rudiments" meant.

rudiment | ˈruːdɪm(ə)nt | noun 1 (the rudiments of) the first principles of (a subject): she taught the girls the rudiments of reading and writing. • an elementary or primitive form of (something): the rudiments of a hot-water system.

I typed another 4 paragraphs and lost them to an nvim crash. I'm livid.

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