small through small
2 minute read
My mind has felt pretty scattered lately. I'm doing okay though. I'm back in Dunedin now, seeing mostly my family, and some friends. I try to come back once a year, a rythm that feels normal but perhaps a luxury?
I might not be able to travel so often if travel infrastructure collapses, or I enter economic ruin. I can't forsee the latter, but who ever does?
Not sure what I'm trying to write now. This journal has fallen out of regular use, so recapping what I've been upto seems fruitless. That being said, it's probably one of the more useful ways to use a journal. Capturing the moment, how I am right and now, and maybe even why.
capturing the moment
I spent all of monday asleep, or in a dream state. It was chill. I watched the first episode of the new(ish) series of Star Trek - Strange New Worlds. It's an appealing concept, I like the idea of each episode being a nice self contained idea. I also like there to be permanent, or semi permanent characters. Shows like black mirror, or love death and robots, don't appeal to me as much even though they're "self contained". The captain has seen his own death in the previous series and is now facing regular, PTSD style flashbacks of his own melting face. It's a funny upsetting thing to put into the show.
All my bad habits
I am looking at instagram almost all the time, and constantly distracted. I crave sugar and snacks. I want caffeine. What is is about being here in dunedin? Why do I struggle to be my "best self"? I've given up any hope of having this week off as a week for thinking and reflection. I don't want to be bitter about that, but if the shedding of all my virtues is anything to go by, I will be.
it's not enough
The horror of inevitable insufficiency. That every component of a bullet was always going to kill, an unsatisfied drive to destroy that pulls every possible resource into it's service. I'm having to show people the zine I made for zinefest and I'm frustrated at how broad the strokes were with my ideas. I've been talking to my brother about my sci-fi idea I had last year, an exploration of a world where information was shared through haptic and textural means instead of visually. Replacing screens with hand sized objects, designed to be held or touched. I really wanted to make it an animation, but I've felt stuck with developing the idea and I think I need to do some writing to really understand it. I'll need to push it through small again. Speaking of small, I'd like to condense it a little - or split the essay off the tool. I suppose I need to pass small through small. Of all ideas I've had, it is one I stand by still - things ought to be smaller.
I need to chill out a little
I'm feeling really high strung. I've felt a sense of urgency, and a real condemnation of wasted time. It hasn't led to any actual work, just a feeling of stress and a need for a false sense of work.
listening to
questions
- what's missing?
- what could go?