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overwhelming and oppressive feeling of insufficiency

2023-10-30

2 minute read

Hallozeen 2023 was yesterday. I'm still tired from the weekend, I tried to do far too much. My final comic wasn't all I hoped it would be, but I'm still fairly happy with it. It tapped into a fear I didn't expect to touch on, and I'm not sure it translates well but I think it's worth mentioning.

An overwhelming and oppressive feeling of insufficiency and It's not enough. It's never enough.

As I desperately tried to reign my idea into something concrete and half decent, short on sleep and hurrying towards the deadline, I felt very inadequate. I was ill prepared, and producing something that wasn't up to my (imagined) standards. My room is a mess, and still filled with things I don't need or even really want. At work I feel like I've always got 100 projects I want to do, and never making progress on any of them.

This feeling is a trap, I know. I have a tendency to not see all the success and progress I've made, especially when I'm tired. I am extremely harsh with myself in ways I wouldn't dare to be with others.

I do remember staying in my friend's room when I was like 22. I'd flown to his city to celebrate his 30th birthday, and his room was an absolute mess. I remember thinking "brother, you can't be living like this at 30". How naïve.

It's so hard to be satisfied with where I am and what I have. I wonder if the horror isn't the insufficency itself, but the feeling. I pride myself on a certain level of ambition, but should I really be proud? Is there a danger I'm not treating with the gravity it deserves?

I can't help but still feel the inadequacy. All the limp promises made off hand, with great intentions but no real ability to follow through. Anything requiring a certain level of logistics goes into the too hard basket. To my embarrassment it's only due to my growing responsibilities at work that I'm really having to take it seriously.

That's not entirely true actually - last year I began with the bullet journal and it has seen mixed, but overall positive, levels of success. This was without any job pressures, just a growing awareness and concern that my ability to deal with my life is being outpaced by the requirements of my life.

One thing I have learned without a doubt is how important sleep is for improving things, and I'm going to go to bed now instead of continuing this entry.

listening to

osoi by FUJI​|​|​|​|​|​||​|​|​|​|​TA

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