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even the best decision

2023-06-13

2 minute read

Hard to do things today, very distracted. Looked for a long time at an office chair, I want my space to be really nice. I want it to feel nice to work in, something I kept putting off for the last few years for no real reason, other than the reason I put all things off.

the reason I put all things off

If I knew exactly it'd be a grand thing.

It can be a number of factors, I think it comes down to the type and number of decisions required. Things that require spending money also get put off, I'm not sure if it's the same reason deep down or not. Something about the ramifications of the decisions, or the percieved ramifications. I hope to continue recognising it, maybe start to build a picture of it. Maybe I need to read that decision making book again?

I had some dreams

I had a couple of weird and vivid dreams the other night.

One was about Mum and Dad adopting a chimpanzee and I had to tell them to get rid of it before it killed somebody. Then I cried, realising I'd sent it to die. The pain of even the best decision being violence. Being caught in events long in motion, beyond my control, forcing my hand.

The other one I was in a foreign country. Not sure where, nowhere I knew in the dream but I didn't feel lost. I looked up and saw giant shooting stars leaving huge tails behind them. I tried to say "look at the shooting stars" in spanish but kept fumbling it. "Mira la estela... la fugaz... estrella... strella fugaz? Las estrellas fugazes?". I was looking at the moon and the ground shook like an explosion at the same time a meteorite plowed through the moon, blowing it apart. "Oh my god. I'm going to die. We're all going to die". It was hard to come to grips with, a weird reality. I didn't know when exactly we were going to die, or how exactly, but with large chunks of the moon falling to earth I was sure it would be within the next 24 hours.

It's been a long time since I've had such vivid dreams with such retention.

that's it

A short one today.

I'm exhausted at the moment :( why?

listening to

Midnight Shift - ¥ØU$UK€ ¥UK1MAT$U | HÖR - Nov 19 / 2022

questions