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it used to be an ocean

2023-04-29

5 minute read

I'm out of argentina, and therefore out of the obligation I felt to speak spanish. Maybe now we'll get back the rythm we lost? Where was I:

I felt strange

I've really noticed how small my vocabulary is for my feelings, how limited my ability to recognise my own inner life.

a textile showing two stylized costumed figures with long dangling headresses and holding staffs or weapons

After the museum we had some matés and kept hanging out before getting some beers. I really get on well with CC, we have a good time together. It's cool that even though they speak really good english we mostly speak in spanish. Was really sad to say goodbye at the end of the night, we resolved to see eachother again while I'm still in Argentina.

Santa Fe is dangerous

V came to pick me up in a taxi, about one hour away from Esperanza. He said Santa Fe is really dangerous, he used to study there and hated every day of it.

present day

I'm in Brazil now, staying in a private room above the L's parent's apartment. I feel like I've awoken from a 3 month dream. I spent all that time in Argentina?

Being a river without fish, I have been
And I go lined with foam and ice.
Drowned and broken I carry the entire sky
and the tree is delivered to me badly wounded

I wish I had some kind of tight take away from my trip. Something I learnt, something succinct and beautiful. But I don't. I am older now, nearly 30. No crezco, envejesco.

I like to articulate those feelings, I'm not so cynical to leave them unanswered (at least, not today). I saw enough in 3 months to see the fruit of a tree planted years ago.

A gardener does not dig up a seed the day after it’s planted to see if it has grown. For many days, it will appear that you are giving such care to a pile of dirt, until one day, break-through happens. - Common Discourse, #055 Improvement

I've got other metaphors

These feel like they're pointing in the right direction, but it's still not right. It's not that I think there's some innate quality in accumulation. The fruit/garden metaphor is best. But there's more than just doing things in the hope that they bloom, like an angel investor sprinkling millions into the pockets of young software developers.

Here's a stanza from Cid Corman's The Desk

it is hard to be anywhere once and twice is a dream

As usual a poet has beaten me to the punch. Not accumulation, but repetition?

I talked to CC on the phone last night, was talking about how I felt a whole lot of stuff, sad mostly to leave Argentina, but also other stuff I couldn't place. I said:

I feel like something has changed but I don't know what it is?

And later, more of a cliche:

The Louis that left is not the Louis that's returning

To which they replied

of course, you don't swim in the same river twice

and I said

exactly

a poet beat me to it

but it's not like I don't have a meditation on return of my own

A cowboy riding left to right, smoking. The sun is up and there are birds in the sky. Text reads: "this desert's not what it used to be" A cowboy riding right to left, smoking. The moon is up and there are stars in the sky. Text reads: "it used to be an ocean"

listening to

Jackie Down the Line - Fontaines DC

Questions