it used to be an ocean

5 minute read

I'm out of argentina, and therefore out of the obligation I felt to speak spanish. Maybe now we'll get back the rythm we lost? Where was I:

• March 30 - the goal is oblivion. I don't remember what I did this day.
• April 1 - Got coffee in a trendy cafe near the hostel, then took a bus to Puerto los Olivos for a boat party. Sounds way fancier than it is, had a bast though. No one tells you that for a 6 hour boat party you actually only want to be there for 3 hours. Maybe we lacked amphetamines, who can say. Afterwards we went out to a restaurant and then a bar, it was a fun night even though we were all extremely tired. It was really nice to see CC again. I met them in 2020, and always really admired them.
• April 2 - Siga la Vaca, tenedor libre. An asado buffet. Awesome fun, extremely difficult to eat a normal amount.
• April 3 - Packed up my shit in the hostel, went to see A/mamá to say goodbye. We just chilled, had some facturas and maté.
• April 4 - Went to La Plata with B. She has an apartment there, it's a really nice one. I thought a LOT about return.horse. I planned on spending the whole night redoing it, but then my friend CS called and I went round to her place for pizza and a movie. Going to La Plata was a way to change my headspace, I felt strange after being in BsAs for so long.

I felt strange

I've really noticed how small my vocabulary is for my feelings, how limited my ability to recognise my own inner life.

• April 5 - C came out to La Plata and we went to the museum. Museums are fun as hell. I really enjoy them more since I decided to stop trying to read and learn stuff. It's a fully aesthetic experience. Learning through osmosis. Do I learn less? Yes. Who cares. I love it. I love looking at the skeletons and models of animals. Looking at all the fossil shells and cool rocks. Finding ancient textiles, gorgeous tapestries.

After the museum we had some matés and kept hanging out before getting some beers. I really get on well with CC, we have a good time together. It's cool that even though they speak really good english we mostly speak in spanish. Was really sad to say goodbye at the end of the night, we resolved to see eachother again while I'm still in Argentina.

• April 6 - I made my way back to CABA eventually, wasted too much time with B and L and missed my bus to Esperanza. I booked another one leaving shortly after, to a city nearby, and off I went.

Santa Fe is dangerous

• April 7 - I arrived in Santa Fe

V came to pick me up in a taxi, about one hour away from Esperanza. He said Santa Fe is really dangerous, he used to study there and hated every day of it.

present day

I'm in Brazil now, staying in a private room above the L's parent's apartment. I feel like I've awoken from a 3 month dream. I spent all that time in Argentina?

Being a river without fish, I have been
And I go lined with foam and ice.
Drowned and broken I carry the entire sky
and the tree is delivered to me badly wounded

I wish I had some kind of tight take away from my trip. Something I learnt, something succinct and beautiful. But I don't. I am older now, nearly 30. No crezco, envejesco.

I like to articulate those feelings, I'm not so cynical to leave them unanswered (at least, not today). I saw enough in 3 months to see the fruit of a tree planted years ago.

A gardener does not dig up a seed the day after it’s planted to see if it has grown. For many days, it will appear that you are giving such care to a pile of dirt, until one day, break-through happens. - Common Discourse, #055 Improvement

I've got other metaphors

• A thin new coat of paint every year, eventually the surface is inches away from where it began
• A programing tutorial each weekend for 3 years, eventually you get a job
• Speaking spanish badly everyday in the shower, following meme pages and reading what you can, eventually you spend days at a time without speaking english
• Writing journal entries over and over, eventually you write a bunch

These feel like they're pointing in the right direction, but it's still not right. It's not that I think there's some innate quality in accumulation. The fruit/garden metaphor is best. But there's more than just doing things in the hope that they bloom, like an angel investor sprinkling millions into the pockets of young software developers.

Here's a stanza from Cid Corman's The Desk

it is hard to be anywhere once and twice is a dream

As usual a poet has beaten me to the punch. Not accumulation, but repetition?

I talked to CC on the phone last night, was talking about how I felt a whole lot of stuff, sad mostly to leave Argentina, but also other stuff I couldn't place. I said:

I feel like something has changed but I don't know what it is?

And later, more of a cliche:

The Louis that left is not the Louis that's returning

To which they replied

of course, you don't swim in the same river twice

and I said

exactly

a poet beat me to it

but it's not like I don't have a meditation on return of my own

listening to

Jackie Down the Line - Fontaines DC

Questions

• How can I know myself more, find more words? (aside from poetry)
• How can I do this is in a boring way that helps me organise my life a little better?