limit to that allowance
2 minute read
I finally slept well, or well enough, and managed to cleave around about 8 hours out.
I only woke up once, gripped with heart palpitations, panic that I've ruined and mangled my travel plans so entirely that I can't even board the plane.
As bad as that was, the rest of the sleep was so serene that it's a net positive.
how are we feeling
I felt emotionally pretty bad this morning. The usual self-deprecating internal monologue:
- "How do you go 6 months unemployed and have so little to show for it"
- "Nothing you've achieved thus far is meaningful or impressive",
and a new one too
- "you lack the skill, conviction and courage to do anything good in this world"
This last one is spurred on by a job I'm pursuing, with a client from my old Job. I'll talk about it later in this entry.
After the initial bout of unhelpful thoughts passed it left me with a more helpful feeling:
My ‛break’ is ending. Whatever came out of it, good and bad, is now going to be seen from a distance.
I probably already called it in November sometime, but December rolled on in and all hope of concentration flew out the window.
the job
It's a "conversion rate optimisation" dev role. Conversion rate is, I guess, the e-commerce equivalent to closing the deal.
The pros are:
- It's a client I'm familiar with.
- It should be renumerated fairly well.
- It's close to the bouldering wall.
- I have a good chance of actually getting it.
- I could learn a lot about interface design.
- It's a big company.
- It's an internal team role, not a client focussed role.
The cons are
- It's a client I'm familiar with.
- It's a big company.
- CRO is so deeply consumerist that I feel complicit.
- It might make me depressed.
I feel weird about work, I feel like I should be looking for solely "ethical" roles. Is that just a vanity label? What does it mean to do an ethical role? Is it even possible? I wouldn't look down on anyone for doing a job to pay the bills, but I also think there's a limit to that allowance.
what else
- I'm frantically trying to make the 3d characters for my animation project, and struggling. 3D modelling continues to outsmart me.
- I have a few other things I want to do today, some cooking and some more admin stuff. Will I get it all done? Probably not.
- I've signed up to the newsletter by Lukas T Winkler Prins, I don't know if it's good but his are.na channels are cool.
listening to
Rekids - Mona Yim | HÖR - Jun 27 / 2022
questions
- What does it mean to move from one stage of your life to another?
- How can I manage the transition well?