limit to that allowance

2 minute read

I finally slept well, or well enough, and managed to cleave around about 8 hours out.

I only woke up once, gripped with heart palpitations, panic that I've ruined and mangled my travel plans so entirely that I can't even board the plane.

As bad as that was, the rest of the sleep was so serene that it's a net positive.

how are we feeling

I felt emotionally pretty bad this morning. The usual self-deprecating internal monologue:

• "How do you go 6 months unemployed and have so little to show for it"
• "Nothing you've achieved thus far is meaningful or impressive",

and a new one too

• "you lack the skill, conviction and courage to do anything good in this world"

This last one is spurred on by a job I'm pursuing, with a client from my old Job. I'll talk about it later in this entry.

After the initial bout of unhelpful thoughts passed it left me with a more helpful feeling:

My ‛break’ is ending. Whatever came out of it, good and bad, is now going to be seen from a distance.

I probably already called it in November sometime, but December rolled on in and all hope of concentration flew out the window.

the job

It's a "conversion rate optimisation" dev role. Conversion rate is, I guess, the e-commerce equivalent to closing the deal.

The pros are:

• It's a client I'm familiar with.
• It should be renumerated fairly well.
• It's close to the bouldering wall.
• I have a good chance of actually getting it.
• I could learn a lot about interface design.
• It's a big company.
• It's an internal team role, not a client focussed role.

The cons are

• It's a client I'm familiar with.
• It's a big company.
• CRO is so deeply consumerist that I feel complicit.
• It might make me depressed.

I feel weird about work, I feel like I should be looking for solely "ethical" roles. Is that just a vanity label? What does it mean to do an ethical role? Is it even possible? I wouldn't look down on anyone for doing a job to pay the bills, but I also think there's a limit to that allowance.

what else

• I'm frantically trying to make the 3d characters for my animation project, and struggling. 3D modelling continues to outsmart me.
• I have a few other things I want to do today, some cooking and some more admin stuff. Will I get it all done? Probably not.
• I've signed up to the newsletter by Lukas T Winkler Prins, I don't know if it's good but his are.na channels are cool.

listening to

Rekids - Mona Yim | HÖR - Jun 27 / 2022

questions

• What does it mean to move from one stage of your life to another?
• How can I manage the transition well?