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appalling and incomprehensible

2023-01-23

3 minute read

I'm feeling apprehension around what needs to be done before I go, but the only way out is through. I have a list that I am getting through with pace, and then I will write another list. We will continue to do this until I either leave or run out of things to put on the list.

lovely lovely time

It was so bloody nice to get away for the weekend. It's fun to play a bunch of games with friends, and I actually quite enjoyed Avalon this time. We spent some nice time on the beach, we ate fish and chips, we played beer themed drinking games. We lit a small fire and we laughed a lot.

a small fire

For a long time I would sit down to write and the words would come to sit with me. I had so much I wanted to say, and would write for well over an hour. Lately it hasn't been like this. I can only imagine that it's because my trip is looming so large in my mind that I can't think of much else. I would like somewhere to go mentally for respite, and this journal has the potential to be that, but I do not feel it right now. It's like a chore that feels more and more like it's lived on past it's usefulness.

I'm not going to trust this feeling. The reasons I set out to write this journal still stand, and it continues to meet them. It is important to document these thoughts, and this: Writing this journal right now is giving me so much anxiety that I can physically feel it in my chest. It is the frightening and painful feeling that I ought to be doing absolutely anything else but for this.

I'm going to go to the bouldering wall and do some climbing. Last week I identified how useful this was, so I'll try it again.

I want to say interesting things in my journal though!

When action grows unprofitable, gather information; when information grows unprofitable, sleep. - Ursula K. LeGuin, The Left Hand of Darkness.

Maybe I could slip a workout into that quote too. On the topic of quotes - I've been reading some Rumi and some more Franz Wright:

If only I could tell someone. The humiliation I go through when I think of my past can only be described as grace

Appalling and incomprehensible mercy

The seeing see only this world

A Thirsty Fish by Rumi

  1. I don't get tired of you. Don't grow weary
  2. of being compassionate toward me!
  4. All this thirst equipment
  5. must surely be tired of me,
  6. the waterjar, the water carrier.
  8. I have a thirsty fish in me
  9. that can never find enough
  10. of what it's thirsty for!
  12. Show me the way to the ocean!
  13. Break these half-measures,
  14. these small containers.
  16. All this fantasy
  17. and grief.
  19. Let my house be drowned in the wave
  20. that rose last night in the courtyard
  21. hidden in the center of my chest.
  23. Joseph fell like the moon into my well.
  24. The harvest I expected was washed away.
  25. But no matter.
  27. A fire has risen above my tombstone hat.
  28. I don't want learning, or dignity,
  29. or respectability.
  31. I want this music and this dawn
  32. and the warmth of your cheek against mine.
  34. The grief-armies assemble,
  35. but I'm not going with them.
  37. This is how it always is
  38. when I finish a poem.
  40. A great silence comes over me,
  41. and I wonder why I ever thought
  42. to use language.”

listening to

Once again, Rozi Plain's new album - Prize

questions