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semi-awake state

2022-12-05

2 minute read

Another evening post. I'm feeling, again, extremely distracted and also tired. I'm going to have an early night tonight, try to get back to a semi-awake state.

I feel like I have myriad things stacked up to finish, and haven't done anything at all for the last 2 weeks. Executive functions continue to challenge me, I feel like I'm barely holding on. "Always swimming towards the surface". It is just a feeling, or at least more a feeling than a reality. I'm typing this on a brand new device, from a large desk in a large apartment, having earlier today completed another lesson in a foreign language that offers no immediate utility. This could hardly be called "just getting by", yet my mind is in some way unable to let myself enjoy things.

Getting some sleep should help with my recent struggle to focus and lapse in executive functions. What else? I've done very little, but not nothing at all. I've looked into some flights, I went grocery shopping, I did my anki memorisation. I'll post a return.horse comic after this, and I did a little bit of a room clean. I will be cleaning my room for the rest of my life. I've thought about how I completely fell of on James Clear's habits email newsletter. I can barely remember what my habits were, only that I haven't done them. Time to get back on the horse. Trying and trying and trying is I think better than giving up, despite the frustration. These are things that up close look like miserable and meaningless efforts, but with time and distance may grow into waves of great power. I'm desperate to spin out metaphors wherever I find them. Nothing is safe so long as one thing can be compared to another.

I've been distracted the last few minutes looking at my emails (can't remember why) -> a site that sells small press vinegar -> kitchenwharehouse.com.au. I'd like to get a bottle for oil, I'm tossing up between a glass solid on or a plastic squeeze bottle. It's really just the nozzle type lid I'm after.

Finishing up with a small post again, I can feel the valerian kicking in.

what else

The vinegar site is inspiring, makes me think about what kind of things I want to do with my time and my output. Makes me think about my small manifesto.

listening to

I'm listening to field recordings again, from the album I bought. My spotify year in review is missing out on this treat. I talked to a friend who doesn't pay for spotify and pirates most of his music. He doesn't do it for any ethical reasons, but I've got a growing suspicion that pirating music is even more ethical than using spotify. It's harder to find new music of course, but maybe it should be? Go to a bar again, talk to the record store, listen to the radio.

questions