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the temptation to catastrophise

2022-11-23

2 minute read

Back at it again! I took my birthday off from writing, and misjudged timing yesterday and didn't get to writing. I'm finding it extremely hard to focus on the task at hand today, very distractable. I've resorted to the usual: Pompom in the bottom left corner, wifi turned off.

an easy mistake

Just been interrupted by a phone call to let me know that I've missed my dentist appointment. Embarrasing, frustrating. I had it in my diary, but hadn't checked my diary over the last few days. A learning experience.

Birthdays stress me out and make me busy. I want to get away from everything. Next year I'm celebrating my birthday by going away by myself for a week.

I can feel what little organisational ability I have slipping away from me. My room is a mess, obligations are piling up. I have some temp work coming up, I'm not looking forward to it. I'm afraid I wont arrive on time, or that I wont be able to handle the added pressure on my day and my life will collapse.

As the writing up to now might suggest, my mood has not been kind lately. My self esteem is low, with fleeting and insufficient boosts after a little sleep. Being aware of it helps some.

Today I will clean my room and write a list of things to do, then check off any within my reach. I think I've succesfully fought off the temptation to catastrophise missing my dentist appointment - It's not a symptom of a great unconquerable personal failing, it's just an easy mistake to make when one is caught up celebrating a birthday.

Alex sent me a photo recently of "My Bed" by Tracey Emin. a messy bed with bottles of alcohol and trash on the ground beside it, sitting in a gallery

A little less abstract than Sisyphus with his stone.

I don't know if this is purely self congratulatory bias, but there seems to be a correllation with profound creative artistic expression and disorganised messiness.

an extremely messy studio, books and boxes and paint brushed all over the place

I can achieve the mess, here's hoping the profound creativity follows.

a note

While messiness does flow out of me like water, it doesn't help me. I am determined to continue to wrestle with the problem of mess and I imagine I will do so the rest of my life. Nous attendons toujours.

listening to

A Good Man is Hard to Find - Sufjan Stevens

questions